I have been sent this press release from a secret source at a secure location. Here it is.
The photos flashed around the world of a clearly emotional (and tired) Scott ‘Il Duce’ Morrison passionately embracing Vladimir Putin, President of all the Russias, at a Vodka Reception at the Kremlin yesterday will give the lie to all those Greens, gays, chardonnay socialists, pinot noir lefties, ratbugs, scumbags, so-called refugee advocates and other dirty rotters who criticise this government. Here is a tale of daring and derring-do worthy of Biggles and it happened like this. On his way to Pol Pot International Airport in Cambodia, Il Duce realised that he had spend the whole of the Immigration Department budget on a plan that would only get rid of a tenth of a boatload of refugees. In his despair, he confided in an aide, who mentioned that it was a pity we could not use the old Soviet camps in Siberia which were largely empty. Energised, the minister commanded his plane to fly to Moscow via the shortest route, with the now-legendary words “I’d rather take my chances with a BUK-2 than face Julie in the cabinet room, mano a mano”. The flight has already been compared to Deputy Fuhrer Rudolph Hess’s, in 1941 in a Messerschmitt Me109, to Scotland to make peace with the offices of the Duke of Hamilton. Of course, Il Duce has been inspired by Hess’ colleague's dealings with ‘refugees’, and much else besides. However, unlike the German camps, the Russian ones are still there.
In Moscow, the minister learned all about the extensive agricultural and mining work - healthy outdoor work - that used to be carried out by enthusiastic ‘volunteers’ in the so-called archipelago, no doubt a lovely chain of islands. Much good timber, coal, radium and of course salt and lead was produced, in nice places like Perm, Vorkuta, Kolyma. The climate is said to be bracing. Such was the blissful state of the workers that few ever came back, and, better still, one never heard any complaints. The icing on the cake was that Putin was willing to take as many refugees as can be landed in Vladivostok, for free, although he prefers Chechens and Afghans. All in all a win win for all, and this government can continue to hold its head up high and claim its place at the table of international affairs as a regional power in the middle echelon, and as a caring and compassion guardian of our DNA.